Saturday, December 10, 2011

Excitement vs Terror

The days are ticking by as I'm trying to get ready for Christmas and every day brings my husband one day closer to coming home. I couldn't be more thrilled. I can't hide the fact that I'm very nervous about the upcoming day as well though.

This is gonna be a big change in my life. Brandon and I have never lived alone in our own place. I've been doing everything my way for the past year with no one to answer to. Obviously, if my husband wanted to know what I was doing and where I was I would tell him, but it came down to me not needing to be home at any certain time cuz there was no one to come home too. Now there will be.

My husband and I have been around each other enough to know what each other's little quirks are but there is something very different between spending a lot of time together and actually living together. Learning to adjust to someone constantly being right there, up in your business, can cause stress and frustration. I guess more than anything, I'm afraid that I'm gonna get on my husband's nerves so much that he won't wanna be around me, that he'll be sick of me. And as dumb as this may sound, even though I act like it doesn't bother me, normal bodily functions embarrass me around him. Guess I'm gonna have to get over that one hahahaha.

On top of dealing with all that, I'm rather nervous about us being able to reconnect after all this time. So much has happened over this past year. Both of us have grown, have changed. What if we don't fit together as well as we did before? There are so many questions and fears floating around in the air and none of them can be dealt with until he is home. Until I know exactly what I'm dealing with.

Down that same line is the fear of the unknown that he will have to go through when he tries to reintegrate into the lifestyle here. No one knows how a soldier is gonna react to being thrown back into life in this country after being in the sandbox for a year. Can you imagine living in fear for your life and your friends like every day for a year? What about being surrounded by people that hate you and want you dead? Can you picture what it would feel like to be on your guard all day, every day just to come back here and be told not to be cuz now your safe. You can't just shut off ingrained habits like that. If he starts to struggle I want to be there to help him through it...but I have no idea what I would need to do. I don't want to fail him.

I'm lucky to have a lot of support from seasoned Army wives here on post. One friend in particular has been amazing. I don't know what I would do without her. She told me that I needed to trust my husband, let him call the shots at first. Don't push him to do anything that makes him uncomfortable. Don't tell him what he should do. The first little while should be about him, what he needs. After he's been able to get back into a normal routine, back to himself, then and only then will he be able to truly focus on you. I've also found a lot of help dealing from online support groups for military wives. And a lot of them have been telling me that going to a few sessions of couples therapy can't do anything but help. It gives the couple a safe, neutral ground to talk. Fear, anger, and pain can safely be brought to the surface and dealt with. Coping strategies for both spouses can be discussed. Re-connection can be helped along. Brandon and I are considering the idea if we feel that we are struggling. I encourage everyone else who is feeling lost during a redeployment to think about this possibility. And don't let anyone tell you the counseling means your weak. The best advice that I got, do what is best for your family. Trust your spouse. Trust yourself. Get help if you need it. Don't let other people tell you how to deal with your relationship.

Keep L i/o ving.