Monday, October 31, 2011

Reflections of the Heart

This is gonna be a weird blog. This is one of those that is literally a word vomit of my thoughts. Most people probably won't understand this...but then again I never fully understood it either. It's just one of those things in life that happens cuz of some spiritual reflex deep inside.
A couple years back I was dating this boy. He had been a friend of mine since we were in middle school. We'd been off and on close. Senior year we got close again. He was there for me through some rough stuff. He was crazy in love with this younger girl. I knew the girl a little bit, but not very well. She was his everything. And she died. A part of him died with her and after that I didn't see much of him. He pulled away from everything beautiful and loving in his life. He tried to drown the pain with drugs and alcohol. And I just let him fade out of my life. I went to college, I came home, my heart got broke and suddenly their he was again. Out of no where he was there with arms open again, ready to help me heal. Why he was willing to let me back in so easily is beyond me. He has such a big heart.
Now admittedly, his idea for how to work through my heartbreak wasn't the best but he meant no harm.We were both broken and lost and we needed each other. No one else in my life understood that or liked it much but hey that was how it was.
However, it wasn't long before our lifestyle started to take it's toll on me. I knew it was wrong in every way possible and somewhere deep down inside the darkness in me was moving aside, letting hope back in. I wanted the boy to feel it too. I was scared. Kids died every day from the things that he was doing. I couldn't even handle the IDEA of losing him too. But nothing I did or said got through to him. So one day I found myself standing in a cemetery, staring at the headstone of a young girl that had once loved the same man.
I don't know what took me there. I had never really known her. Somehow, in that moment... in that situation, she was the only one I felt close to. The only one I felt would understand. I sat. I talked. I poured my heart and tears out to her...and I begged her to help me save him. I begged her to never stop watching over him. Then I stood and turned to leave. The wind chimes hanging from her head stone tinkled as if in response to my tears. There was no wind that day. At that moment I knew she had heard.
I continued to visit her quite often. I never told anyone. I felt silly talking about it. I still do but it doesn't really matter what people think.
The boy and I grew apart again. Or more, I put distance between us. Maybe it was wrong but nothing horrible seems to have come from it. We both moved forward with our lives. I married the love of my life and started a wonderful home with him. I've never been happier. That boy...he moved away from our home town, he cleaned up his act and got a job. He fell in love again and he blossomed as a person. As far as I can tell he is doing wonderful. He's happy and healthy. I am so proud of him.
Tonight, a friend of the girl posted pics of her on Facebook. I happened to sign in just as they were going up so they were the first thing I saw. My stomach lurched. I couldn't stop looking at her smiling face. It hurt to see all that life in her eyes and know that it was taken from her far too early. Maybe it's stupid but part of me feels close to her even still. I feel like I need to go back to her. That I need to thank her for giving me hope and for being his guardian angel. Stupid? Maybe, but I know she was there. She's still there. Her love lives on. He'll be ok. I don't worry about him anymore.

And now you know one of my deepest secrets. Take what you want from it. I got what I needed.

Keep L i/o ving.