Monday, October 31, 2011

Reflections of the Heart

This is gonna be a weird blog. This is one of those that is literally a word vomit of my thoughts. Most people probably won't understand this...but then again I never fully understood it either. It's just one of those things in life that happens cuz of some spiritual reflex deep inside.
A couple years back I was dating this boy. He had been a friend of mine since we were in middle school. We'd been off and on close. Senior year we got close again. He was there for me through some rough stuff. He was crazy in love with this younger girl. I knew the girl a little bit, but not very well. She was his everything. And she died. A part of him died with her and after that I didn't see much of him. He pulled away from everything beautiful and loving in his life. He tried to drown the pain with drugs and alcohol. And I just let him fade out of my life. I went to college, I came home, my heart got broke and suddenly their he was again. Out of no where he was there with arms open again, ready to help me heal. Why he was willing to let me back in so easily is beyond me. He has such a big heart.
Now admittedly, his idea for how to work through my heartbreak wasn't the best but he meant no harm.We were both broken and lost and we needed each other. No one else in my life understood that or liked it much but hey that was how it was.
However, it wasn't long before our lifestyle started to take it's toll on me. I knew it was wrong in every way possible and somewhere deep down inside the darkness in me was moving aside, letting hope back in. I wanted the boy to feel it too. I was scared. Kids died every day from the things that he was doing. I couldn't even handle the IDEA of losing him too. But nothing I did or said got through to him. So one day I found myself standing in a cemetery, staring at the headstone of a young girl that had once loved the same man.
I don't know what took me there. I had never really known her. Somehow, in that moment... in that situation, she was the only one I felt close to. The only one I felt would understand. I sat. I talked. I poured my heart and tears out to her...and I begged her to help me save him. I begged her to never stop watching over him. Then I stood and turned to leave. The wind chimes hanging from her head stone tinkled as if in response to my tears. There was no wind that day. At that moment I knew she had heard.
I continued to visit her quite often. I never told anyone. I felt silly talking about it. I still do but it doesn't really matter what people think.
The boy and I grew apart again. Or more, I put distance between us. Maybe it was wrong but nothing horrible seems to have come from it. We both moved forward with our lives. I married the love of my life and started a wonderful home with him. I've never been happier. That boy...he moved away from our home town, he cleaned up his act and got a job. He fell in love again and he blossomed as a person. As far as I can tell he is doing wonderful. He's happy and healthy. I am so proud of him.
Tonight, a friend of the girl posted pics of her on Facebook. I happened to sign in just as they were going up so they were the first thing I saw. My stomach lurched. I couldn't stop looking at her smiling face. It hurt to see all that life in her eyes and know that it was taken from her far too early. Maybe it's stupid but part of me feels close to her even still. I feel like I need to go back to her. That I need to thank her for giving me hope and for being his guardian angel. Stupid? Maybe, but I know she was there. She's still there. Her love lives on. He'll be ok. I don't worry about him anymore.

And now you know one of my deepest secrets. Take what you want from it. I got what I needed.

Keep L i/o ving.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Hardships Don't Last Forever But Friendships Do

There is nothing better than good friends during a deployment. They become the rock of your sanity while the hubby is away. I am blessed with some of the greatest friend a woman could ever ask for. That includes old friends from old places to the new ones in my new home. I've met some of the most wonderful people in my life. I can't thank any of them enough for all they have done for me.
My friends have been the source of strength and stability for me throughout this deployment. Being so far from my family has been very difficult and I have been so grateful for the women who have stepped forward at the right moments to be the shoulder for me to lean on. I've had friends who were right there, ready to take me out for a good night when I needed to get out. I've also had friends who would text me every day just to check on me. Whether they were close in body or only in spirit, they were my life line. I wish I could be half as good as friend as they have been.
I wish I had more to say but honestly I don't think there are any words that fully describe the pure joy of having people that love and support like my friends do.

Keep L i/o ving.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Sing Me A Song of Safety

I am glad for many reasons that I chose to move onto post. But right now, at this moment, while I'm lying in bed all alone in a house the #1 reason is safety. The fact that I can lay here alone every night and still feel safe is amazing to me. There aren't a lot of places in this world anymore that a lone woman is safe. Post happens to be a safe haven still.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you don't still need to take caution in protecting yourself and your possessions, there are still bad people on post, but the crime rate is so much lower. I still lock my doors and all but I don't feel like I need to sleep with a loaded gun next to me. I can be independent and not worry about someone thinking that means I'm an easy target. It helps that my neighbors have a dog that sleeps right next to my bedroom window hahaha.

These past few weeks have been great. They have flown by. With all the wives of deployed soldiers around there is always something going on and someone to hang out with. It really helps the days go by faster. I loved the friends I had in NC and I had a lot of good experiences that I would never trade for anything, but part of my wishes I had stayed on post for the whole deployment. I think things would have been a lot easier for me. But that's done with already so no need to dwell on it. I survived regardless. It's just nice to keep busy these last few months. Soon my husband will be in my arms again and this whole nightmare will be over. I swear it's gonna take days before I'm ok with letting him out of my sight again!
Surprisingly, though I haven't gone a lot yet, I enjoy what the gym has to offer here as well. (In case u don't know me well, I DESPISE working out.) They have about every kind of workout program/class possible. I've done a Zumba class which was a lot of fun and a great workout but made me feel like a clumsy idiot who has no rhythm....maybe that is what I am hahaha. I'm gonna be trying a class called Flaunt tomorrow morning. It's a "striptease" kind of workout. Hahaha sounds like a blast. Besides, any good moves that I learn I'm sure will be greatly appreciated by my husband *wink* =P Life is good, people. I'm seeing some real happiness on the horizon.

Keep L i/o ving!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

10 More Weeks

So today marks only 10 more weeks to go until my darling husband gets home! I can't wait! I've started planning out how to decorate the house for his return. He's gonna be so embarrassed and yet I know he'll love it. It's gonna be awesome to have all my boys from over there home too. I've adopted a few soldiers as my squad sons and I can't wait to be able to give them big hugs too. They've made me proud and they deserve a big welcome home as well. Wish I could decorate their barracks rooms too. I'll have to settle with making them a cake or something. I figure they will have family here the first couple of days anyway. I hope they know how much I adore them. They are amazing guys. I've been so glad to know that my husband is serving with men I can trust to have his back.
One of my fave soldiers even before they left!
Heart u, Karl!

My hubby and my squad son, Dougherty.
Best part of calling him my son...he's older than me! =P

Today was a fairly good day for me. I managed to fix a few things around the house despite being sick. This house is slowly coming together. I am very proud of myself for one major thing though. Defeating the deployment curse. The curse where everything breaks as soon as the men leave. Its a totally real curse, promise, just ask any military wife who has been through a deployment. Today I came out on top. I have a few injuries to prove my fight but I won the battle. I managed to get my washer and dryer running by myself today. Other than having to run a load to see if everything is level, they are in perfect running condition. And I only got a scrapped knee and a one small goose egg on my head during the process. I'd say that is a major success. I'm so happy to finally have my own washer and dryer. You wouldn't believe how inconvenient and awkward it is to have to go to friend's houses to do laundry. I'm blessed with amazing people who are willing to let me do that but it's still gonna be nice to do it all at home.

Hope everyone is doing well. Keep L i/o ving!

Cars, Headaches, and Boxes....It's All About The Move.

So I am sorry it's been forever since my last post! Life has been a lil crazy. We got the call that housing had a place for us and so I had 3 weeks to pack up and move. It was hectic and stressful but I'm glad to be here. I've been slowly trying to unpack and make this place into a home while buying millions of things I never realized we didn't have. My hubby and I got married rather quickly before he deployed and so we didn't have much of a chance to have parties and stuff where gifts are given to help start you off. We also didn't have the money to buy anything ourselves. That was fine at the time cuz I was staying with a friend who already had everything...then we moved. However, I'm finally to a point where I feel like I've got most of the necessary items so that we can survive in a fairly normal way.

I am truly loving it here on post. The number one reason is that this is the first time I've actually had my own place. I've always lived with roommates or family members up until now. I feel so mature and alive walking around my house now. It also makes it feel more like a reality that I am married and my husband is coming home soon. I can't wait to have him here to share this home with. Our, that still gives me little shivers of delight. I'm also meeting other women who are going through the same thing as me and I love it. It's so nice to just be able to say something and your friend immediately gets it. Nothing against my non-military friends, they have done so much for me too and I love them dearly, but it just isn't the same. Being surrounded by the military is just...relaxing in a way. There are so many wonderful people that I'm getting to know. So many women who are willing to help and bring u into their homes and give you everything they can to help make your day a little easier. I've already made some great friends.

I'm getting ready for a trip back to my home town. So excited! I can't wait to see my family. My sister is having a baby shower and this will be the first time I've got to see her since I got the news that she was pregnant. They've been trying for a long time to have a kid so this is a very exciting moment in their lives. I'm so glad I'll get to see them again. I'm gonna stay there for the whole month of Nov since I didnt' want to be alone for Thanksgiving. That means I'm gonna have a great chance to meet up with some old high school friends! It's gonna be awesome.

I made the choice to start my own at home business through Market America right before I moved and so I've been trying to focus on that. Another reason I haven't been on here in a long time. It's coming along slowly but I love the products and so that is worth everything to me. I'm shedding some unwanted weight with  a product called Thermochrome that they sell and getting healthy with some Isotonix supplements.I've started taking a supplement called ACTS as well. It goes along with the Thermochrome to help me lose weight but is also helping my moods to stabilize. I've always had serious depression and anxiety problems. I was to a point where I was having daily anxiety attacks but I really didn't wanna get put on meds again. ACTS has done wonders for me. I feel so much calmer and like I can rationally deal with my problems each day. I'm getting rid of all my prescriptions one at a time and not only do I feel healthier but I'm saving money as well. It's wonderful. I encourage anyone else out there who wants to get healthier to look into their products. I'm sure they have something that can help you.

Keep L i/o ving!