Saturday, September 3, 2011

Heavy Heart and Heavy Eyes

So it's just one of those sleepless nights. My king bed if feeling more empty than often and I just want my cuddle buddy home with me. Insomnia seems to be a normal problem with the military spouses, both overseas and the ones left behind, as several of my friends are either talking to me on Facebook or texting me. This is the part of deployment that no one sees, this is the pain that we hide away, the scars that we don't share.

Something happened this week that has left me disturbed and though I've avoided the subject till now, I think this blog is the perfect place to bring it up. Especially since it's partly what's keeping me awake. I just found out this week that a spouse back on the post that we're stationed at committed suicide, leaving behind her husband and three small children. It was an awful shock to everyone and extremely heartbreaking. I know that having your loved one gone to war for so long is a scary and stressful experience...but to hit that level of depression is a whole different thing. To come to a point where you honestly believe that taking your own life will be better for everyone and that it is the only thing for u to do is really rock bottom. The worst part, you never know who it could be. This girl hid her pain better than anyone, no one saw this coming. Now a disastrous mess has been left behind by her pain. Her family and friends are left trying to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives and find a way to put them back together without her being a part of them.
Now most people would be angry with her, call her selfish, and I admit I partly had the same reaction. Then I stopped and really thought about it. Yes, it was kinda selfish. She didn't think about how it would hurt the people who loved her but then again...maybe she was so low she didn't think it would hurt them. Who are we to judge what was going on in her head?
I've been there. I've been to the dark place where you feel like you can't take it anymore and you just wanna die. Now obviously I didn't act on that impulse. In fact I never even went far enough to seriously consider doing harm to myself. I could never hurt my husband like that. But this deployment has put me in a place where I thought the only relief would come from death. You can't understand that sort of loneliness and pain until you've been there yourself, so please don't judge.
For those out there reading this, if any of you are lost and hurting like this poor girl obviously was, please don't hide it thinking your alone. So many of us have been there before. We've felt that smothering unhappiness. We want to help you fight your way back to top. Reach out to us and let us take your hand. Don't let it get the best of you. We love you.

Keep L i/o ving