Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Black & White vs Rainbows

Has anyone ever had a moment in their life when they feel like they've slightly lost their identity? I'm kinda in a slump of that sort. I know who I am...but when I look in the mirror that isn't the woman I truly am reflecting back. It's just a weak shadow of who I could really be. Now I'm not trying to be all emo and moan and cry about how I'm so suffocated and misunderstood by the people around me blah blah blah. That's not what I'm getting at, not at all. I'm not blaming anyone but myself for the way that I'm feeling. It's only me who is able to let myself fade away. I know how I've got here...I'm just not sure how to get myself out of it. That seems to happen a lot in my life. I'm very good at getting into a pickle and not so great of getting out of it.
Strange as it may be, I realized all this while listening to Fall Out Boy. Then again, if you had known me at all during high school that probably won't come as a surprise at all. Fall Out Boy has always been my motivation and inspiration. Love that band like I love air. That right there is what started the thought that led to me to realizing just how much of a stranger I've become to myself. That band has always been my favorite band. I used to listen to them like they were the water that kept me alive. Yet when I put them on the other day it had been almost a year since I had heard their voices. Now if that isn't out of character, I don't know what is. I've let myself drift away from most of the things that I truly love. Sometimes out of fear of the unknown and other times because I've been trying to fit myself into an image that I think people want me to fit into. It's just not me.
Now don't get your panties in a bunch and mistake what I'm saying. Not everything is messed up in my life by any means. In fact it's quite the opposite. I'm lucky to have a pretty awesome life. I love my husband more than I love life and he treats me like a princess. I've got a solid roof over my head, food in my fridge, a nice car, and money in savings. My husband sacrifices a lot to keep me safe and healthy and I appreciate every bit of what he does. I wouldn't trade him for anything. He's my rock and my light in this dark world. He keeps me pushing forward even when I just wanna lay down on the ground and throw a tantrum like a 3 year old. (Kinda glad for that because I'm pretty sure I would have looked like a total fool laying on the ground kicking and crying. It would not have helped me make friends by any means.) I've also got a semi-functioning body that doesn't have anything wrong with it that isn't fixable. I've got a wonderful family to back me up when I need it and amazing friends who are always there to laugh at me when I've been an idiot, even when we are miles apart. I've got a pretty decent life. The only thing wrong with it is ME!
Which then means the only thing I need to be concerned with is being truer to myself. I need to take the time set my future on a path that will not only make my family happy but me happy as well. I need to learn to take risks, to play by chance. Am I going to slip and fall on my butt a few times? Of course! It's probably gonna be more like a lot of times but that is part of living. I'm tired of sitting here watching the world go by. It's time for me to join those breathing folk and do something with myself. I need to stop just following along in others footsteps and get dirty making my own trail. Let's just hope I have to courage to stick to these changes. I wanna be me!
So my lil message to everyone out there tonight is to love yourself always and trust in who you are. Don't let anyone change you, don't let yourself fade away. Take those chances and the risks, fight to be what you want. Everyone deserves full happiness so go out and find it!  Keep L i/o ving!