Monday, September 12, 2011

Every Night I Miss You I Can Just Look Up And Know The Stars Are Holding You

Military spouses go through things that most people can't even imagine. One of them is spending months KNOWING that your loved one is in constant danger and not being able to do anything about it. The fear of a car with men in uniform pulling up to your house. The idea that they might get injured and your much too far away to be by their side.
 Not being able to help someone I care about always leaves me feeling helpless. It leaves me discouraged and frustrated and just plain upset. That's how I felt when I got the call from my husband when he ended up in the hospital during his deployment. It was good to be able to hear the news from him because that reassured me that he was obviously not dying, but hearing the pain in his voice nearly tore my heart from my chest. I wanted so badly to be by his side. That is what a wife is supposed to do. She is suppose to rush to the hospital and sleep in the chair by her husbands bed when he has to stay over night. I couldn't do that and it tore me apart. I can't remember doing anything but crying that day. I was thankful that he was ok and that they seemed to think that he was going to heal fine, but the ache of being helpless was almost too much. I think it was probably the hardest moment of my life.
I wonder, am I the only one who feels like she fails as a wife when she can't be right there with him when something happens or when he needs me? I know it isn't my fault and that I have no control over it. However, I still can't help but feel like I'm letting him down. I hate how I can't experience anything that is going on in his life right now with him. Does anyone else ever feel like they are missing out on some of the most important parts of their spouses lives when they are deployed? Or at Basic? Or when they leave for some kind of training? Maybe it's because I'm so new at this military thing. Maybe it's because some days I'm honestly jealous of him because a couple years back I wanted to join the military but was medically unable to. Whatever the reason, it's the thing that I struggle the most with. It's through the love and support of good friends and family that I make it through each day. It's the instant connection that builds between other military spouses that gives me the courage to move forward. It's the unfaltering love of the man I married that reminds me why I'm doing this. Never give up.
Keep L i/o ving.