Wednesday, September 21, 2011

L.O.V.E

Marriage is the most frustrating, annoying, antagonizing, maddening, irritating, upsetting, distressing thing in life....and I love it!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

My Heart Is A Stereo and It Only Plays For You

What an emotional day. My roommate's husband left to go back to Afghanistan today. I went with them to the airport so that she wouldn't have to drive the hour back to our apartment while all sobby. I was surprised at how hard it was to watch someone else say goodbye. It reminded me of being at that same airport and being forced to say goodbye to my husband. Since it was so painful to have her husband here while mine was still overseas, I thought that it would be a relief to have him go back. Turns out that isn't the case at all...cuz now the whole house is just miserable. It's like one big tear orgy here. 
On a more positive note, we're going to be moving back to our post in Kentucky in about two months so it's been all phones calls and boxes around here lately. So far getting housing hasn't been as big of a nightmare as I expected. Then again there is still time for it to turn into that once I get there and start actually trying to move in. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed. As for right now, it's just been a lot of paperwork and calling the housing department over and over, since they seem to be incapable of answering a call until you've called back at least twice. I've also learned through this experience and a few others that I've had, that whenever you send in ANY kind of paperwork to the Army you need to make at least two copies of everything cuz they will inevitably lose your file at least once. Guess it's just to keep us wives from getting too bored while the men are away. How wonderfully thoughtful of them (note that heavy sarcasm was used during this topic).
You gotta love all the stacks of paperwork you have to fill out as soon as you become part of the military! I think I've killed more trees in this past year than I ever did in school. Here's to killing the next couple trees in these upcoming months. 
Keep L i/o ving!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Not #1....

Ugh! It's just been one of those weeks. When I married a soldier I new it came with a price. You get to be one of the proudest women in the world when you see your husband dressed in his uniform but it also comes at the cost of knowing that when the Army calls, he goes. It doesn't matter what is going on in your life at the time. You needing him there doesn't mean that he won't go. Army first, family second. That's the life of an Army wife, of any military spouse.
I knew that when I chose to marry my husband. I had been warned by former and present military spouses. I was willing to do it for the chance to love him when he was there. However, you can never truly be prepared for what it feels like to watch your husband leave. You never are ready for that moment at night when you are crying and you need to hear his voice but he's thousands of miles away and you can't just pick up the phone and call him. You can't imagine how it feels to have hot jealousy course through you when you realize he can't be there to help you but he's helping complete strangers every day he's gone. You can't prepare for the ache you feel inside when he misses something important in your life, like an anniversary or the birth of a child. These are things that you can be told about, you can know are coming, but that you can't understand until your right there in the moment. I'm still learning every day. Deployment is a painful journey.
But, through love, it becomes worth it. Every moment that you do get to spend with your loved one is that much more special, more cherished. You become one of the people in this world who truly understands the meaning of living in the moment. Each time they return it's like falling in love for the first time all over again. When you see the pictures of them, in full gear, throwing up a peace sign next to a resident of the country they're in, you can't help but smile and over flow with pride. That's your man! He's the one who's fighting to keep everyone warm and safe in their beds. He's the picture of hope and courage. He's perfect in that moment. I don't believe there is any stronger love than the true love of a soldier and their spouse.
I married a wonderful man. Each day is a battle of my own without him. But each day I survive is a day closer to being in his arms again. That is a memory worth fighting for.
Keep L i/o ving.
Yah, it was "Mustache March." Luckily, he normally shaves
that creepy thing off. =P

Monday, September 12, 2011

Every Night I Miss You I Can Just Look Up And Know The Stars Are Holding You

Military spouses go through things that most people can't even imagine. One of them is spending months KNOWING that your loved one is in constant danger and not being able to do anything about it. The fear of a car with men in uniform pulling up to your house. The idea that they might get injured and your much too far away to be by their side.
 Not being able to help someone I care about always leaves me feeling helpless. It leaves me discouraged and frustrated and just plain upset. That's how I felt when I got the call from my husband when he ended up in the hospital during his deployment. It was good to be able to hear the news from him because that reassured me that he was obviously not dying, but hearing the pain in his voice nearly tore my heart from my chest. I wanted so badly to be by his side. That is what a wife is supposed to do. She is suppose to rush to the hospital and sleep in the chair by her husbands bed when he has to stay over night. I couldn't do that and it tore me apart. I can't remember doing anything but crying that day. I was thankful that he was ok and that they seemed to think that he was going to heal fine, but the ache of being helpless was almost too much. I think it was probably the hardest moment of my life.
I wonder, am I the only one who feels like she fails as a wife when she can't be right there with him when something happens or when he needs me? I know it isn't my fault and that I have no control over it. However, I still can't help but feel like I'm letting him down. I hate how I can't experience anything that is going on in his life right now with him. Does anyone else ever feel like they are missing out on some of the most important parts of their spouses lives when they are deployed? Or at Basic? Or when they leave for some kind of training? Maybe it's because I'm so new at this military thing. Maybe it's because some days I'm honestly jealous of him because a couple years back I wanted to join the military but was medically unable to. Whatever the reason, it's the thing that I struggle the most with. It's through the love and support of good friends and family that I make it through each day. It's the instant connection that builds between other military spouses that gives me the courage to move forward. It's the unfaltering love of the man I married that reminds me why I'm doing this. Never give up.
Keep L i/o ving.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

The Neighbors TV is on Ridiculously Loud!

Wow! I have been sooooo bad at keeping up with my post! I feel like I haven't had a moment of down time in the past week though. I've been so busy! It's been nice though cuz it's kept me from spending all that time feeling miserable and missing my hubby as much as I could be.
Ok, seriously though, my title of this is all I can think about right now. I think they are watching the game and it's really annoying that while laying on my bed all I can hear is their TV. I seriously hate this apartment. These walls are stupid thin and then having loud neighbors (or roommates) just doesn't help at all. I can't wait till the day that Brandon and I have our own house with a big yard so that I can have moments of complete peace and quiet. I think I'm going to be a complete brat right now and blast religious music right at our connecting wall. Jeez, I hope I don't spoil their game! *wide innocent eyes*
Alright then. Now that I have thoroughly annoyed my neighbors lets move onto the next thing. While at church today I was thinking about all the women I know. I know of several very "well off" women and I started thinking about the way that I see them interact with a lot of the other women. Several of them do exactly what you would expect them too. They have an air of arrogance and then tend to intimidate and insult the women who are not as fortunate as them. You find them hanging with the others like them and avoiding those who aren't. From this observation people would easily say that any time money gets involved in high amounts it corrupts people. I, however, have a friend that proves that wrong. Yes, money can become a problem but it isn't the money that is necessarily what is wrong. It's the person. They let themselves be corrupted. You can fight that. It's just part of mastering your own emotions and thoughts. It's controlling ourselves instead of letting the world around us be at the wheel. A friend of mine is honestly an inspiration to me. She isn't a millionaire or anything, but she has money. She has a large, beautiful house. She's got a Mercedes and nice clothing. She's beautiful and blessed...and she doesn't let any of that change the beautiful soul she has inside her. She is one of the most giving people I have ever met. She doesn't see people by the way they dress or what they drive, she sees them by their warm, loving spirits. She befriends all and loves everyone the same. She has been there for me from the moment she welcomed me into her home. I know I can always count on her. Even when I don't ask for help, she is there rescuing me. Sometimes when I don't even realize that I need to be saved. She will give her all to put a smile on someones face and all she asks in return is for your friendship. Every day she continues to amaze me with how freely she is willing to share what she has. She is a true Christ-like woman. I hope I can be more like her no matter where I am in life.
That is proof to me that we can't make excuses for how we act or how others we know act. We always have a choice. Don't let greed or pride spoil your soul. Don't let things of this world complicate your thoughts. Lets really work on making this world peaceful. It all begins at home. (Guess that means I should stop annoying the neighbors now.) =P
Keep L i/o ving!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Black & White vs Rainbows

Has anyone ever had a moment in their life when they feel like they've slightly lost their identity? I'm kinda in a slump of that sort. I know who I am...but when I look in the mirror that isn't the woman I truly am reflecting back. It's just a weak shadow of who I could really be. Now I'm not trying to be all emo and moan and cry about how I'm so suffocated and misunderstood by the people around me blah blah blah. That's not what I'm getting at, not at all. I'm not blaming anyone but myself for the way that I'm feeling. It's only me who is able to let myself fade away. I know how I've got here...I'm just not sure how to get myself out of it. That seems to happen a lot in my life. I'm very good at getting into a pickle and not so great of getting out of it.
Strange as it may be, I realized all this while listening to Fall Out Boy. Then again, if you had known me at all during high school that probably won't come as a surprise at all. Fall Out Boy has always been my motivation and inspiration. Love that band like I love air. That right there is what started the thought that led to me to realizing just how much of a stranger I've become to myself. That band has always been my favorite band. I used to listen to them like they were the water that kept me alive. Yet when I put them on the other day it had been almost a year since I had heard their voices. Now if that isn't out of character, I don't know what is. I've let myself drift away from most of the things that I truly love. Sometimes out of fear of the unknown and other times because I've been trying to fit myself into an image that I think people want me to fit into. It's just not me.
Now don't get your panties in a bunch and mistake what I'm saying. Not everything is messed up in my life by any means. In fact it's quite the opposite. I'm lucky to have a pretty awesome life. I love my husband more than I love life and he treats me like a princess. I've got a solid roof over my head, food in my fridge, a nice car, and money in savings. My husband sacrifices a lot to keep me safe and healthy and I appreciate every bit of what he does. I wouldn't trade him for anything. He's my rock and my light in this dark world. He keeps me pushing forward even when I just wanna lay down on the ground and throw a tantrum like a 3 year old. (Kinda glad for that because I'm pretty sure I would have looked like a total fool laying on the ground kicking and crying. It would not have helped me make friends by any means.) I've also got a semi-functioning body that doesn't have anything wrong with it that isn't fixable. I've got a wonderful family to back me up when I need it and amazing friends who are always there to laugh at me when I've been an idiot, even when we are miles apart. I've got a pretty decent life. The only thing wrong with it is ME!
Which then means the only thing I need to be concerned with is being truer to myself. I need to take the time set my future on a path that will not only make my family happy but me happy as well. I need to learn to take risks, to play by chance. Am I going to slip and fall on my butt a few times? Of course! It's probably gonna be more like a lot of times but that is part of living. I'm tired of sitting here watching the world go by. It's time for me to join those breathing folk and do something with myself. I need to stop just following along in others footsteps and get dirty making my own trail. Let's just hope I have to courage to stick to these changes. I wanna be me!
So my lil message to everyone out there tonight is to love yourself always and trust in who you are. Don't let anyone change you, don't let yourself fade away. Take those chances and the risks, fight to be what you want. Everyone deserves full happiness so go out and find it!  Keep L i/o ving!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Army Wives are made of Flour and Sugar and...Chocolate Chips?

Today has been one busy day! Nothing makes me happier than to put a smile on someone's face and who deserve to smile more than our brave soldiers fighting overseas for us? Therefore, today I spent my time baking up a storm in an attempt to send a box full of delight to some of my boys over in Afghanistan. I'm exhausted but happy...and not even halfway done.
So I already had one loaf of zucchini bread in the oven when the idea of them possibly molding, while in the process of shipping, was brought before me. Talk about a slightly panicked moment! I'd already promised these boys more than cookies this time. Luckily, my darling friend found a wonderful solution for me. Bake the bread and cakes in a jar! That's right folks, pour the batter into a glass jar, bake it, then as soon as it is out of the oven screw the lids back on and in a few mins you'll hear the pop of the lid as the can seals itself! Genius! I'm hoping that they turned out alright since I've never tried this method before. I'm thinking of trying brownies this way as well seeing as my hubby LOVES brownies but I hadn't thought of a way to get them to him without them being gross either! I've got tons of idea floating around in my head now! Thank you so much, Danelle, for saving the day! 

Monday, September 5, 2011

Till Tonight Do Us Part

This world is one messed up place. It's a struggle just to keep your head above the water. Marriage has become something that doesn't mean a thing to people anymore and I find that devastating. Marriage is special and it's should be binding. These days, however, no one takes it serious. They get married and then as soon as some problem comes up in the relationship a divorce happens. They aren't willing to try to work it out. It's just easier to move onto the next relationship. That is heart breaking to me. People have no idea what they are missing out on.
A marriage isn't easy. Unfortunately, despite what the Disney stories say, you don't get married and then it's happily ever after. A marriage is a job, you gotta work at it. There are going to be disagreements and moments where you don't think you can stand the other person for another second. Mistakes will be made. Both partners are still just human after all. But that shouldn't give us any excuse to forget the vows we made and walk away. That's what boyfriends and girlfriends do, not husbands and wives. You have to compromise, talk things through, and work at making your lives harmonize as one. It's hard work but none of us can imagine the blessings to come if we do that.
I really don't understand this whole cheating thing either. The world is full of it. As a military spouse I see and hear about it all the time. It's hard to stay faithful when you don't feel like you're even married sometimes, but that is still no excuse for the disgusting act of cheating. It's just plain wrong, I don't care what the circumstance is. What I really don't get is why people cheat when they have their significant other right there with them. You see it in the tabloids every day. This celebrity cheated on this celebrity with this celebrity who cheated on this celebrity with this person who cheated on that person back in such and such time. It's pathetic. My husband has been gone for almost a whole year now and I haven't cheated. Ton's of military spouses wait faithfully every time their lover deploys. If we can survive when they are not right next to us every day, it should be a piece of cake when you do get to spend time with them daily. I've seen so many relationship crash and burn because someone was incapable of being faithful. It's sad and infuriating. Are we all just wild animals that can't control our urges?! Grow up people.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Lonely Is The New Look

Organic food, where have you been my whole life?! I totally used to think that all the organic mumble was just crap. Then I was actually convinced to shop at an organic grocery store. YUMMINESS!!!! Not only is it healthy and isn't scary to eat (seriously, do you have any idea what they put into some of the stuff we eat? It's terrifying! Like "I'm gonna kill over dead from something weird" kind of terrifying) but it also taste soooooooooo much better. So what if it's smaller portions than your normal grocery store, it's so worth it. Since when did we decide to trade flavor for size?! We are seriously missing out on true food bliss in this country! I say bring on the F-L-A-V-O-R!

So I had the apartment to myself all day today and I've really enjoyed it. It's been so quiet and I got to do whatever I wanted when I wanted. That includes napping in the middle of the day and running around in my underwear. True bliss. Sometimes being alone is a blessing. Not saying that I don't miss that man who put the ring on my finger but the simpleness of not needing to worry about someone else for a day is so relaxing. I had the ultimate "me time." I'm a firm believer that everyone needs a little time just to unwind and focus on nothing but themselves, even when they have found that person that completes them. It keeps things fresh and the mood light. Get out there and have some girl time! Get your nails done, get a massage, go dancing! Guys, go fishing or four-wheeling, go play some ball games with your buds. I know as a newly wed that that is the easiest time to forget that you don't have to spend every min with your spouse. Don't forget that you still have other friends! And friends, don't forget that we still need you in our lives even though we just got married! I know that was a kinda rough part of adjusting to marriage for me. It was like everyone thought I just needed to be left alone with my new husband. At times that was really nice but after a few days I was really missing my girls and conversation with other people. Getting married, moving to new places, all that newness can be overwhelming  and that's when we need the solidness of our bffs!
Yup, I have no idea why I went off on that tangent. Time for bed! Keep L i/o ving!

Heavy Heart and Heavy Eyes

So it's just one of those sleepless nights. My king bed if feeling more empty than often and I just want my cuddle buddy home with me. Insomnia seems to be a normal problem with the military spouses, both overseas and the ones left behind, as several of my friends are either talking to me on Facebook or texting me. This is the part of deployment that no one sees, this is the pain that we hide away, the scars that we don't share.

Something happened this week that has left me disturbed and though I've avoided the subject till now, I think this blog is the perfect place to bring it up. Especially since it's partly what's keeping me awake. I just found out this week that a spouse back on the post that we're stationed at committed suicide, leaving behind her husband and three small children. It was an awful shock to everyone and extremely heartbreaking. I know that having your loved one gone to war for so long is a scary and stressful experience...but to hit that level of depression is a whole different thing. To come to a point where you honestly believe that taking your own life will be better for everyone and that it is the only thing for u to do is really rock bottom. The worst part, you never know who it could be. This girl hid her pain better than anyone, no one saw this coming. Now a disastrous mess has been left behind by her pain. Her family and friends are left trying to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives and find a way to put them back together without her being a part of them.
Now most people would be angry with her, call her selfish, and I admit I partly had the same reaction. Then I stopped and really thought about it. Yes, it was kinda selfish. She didn't think about how it would hurt the people who loved her but then again...maybe she was so low she didn't think it would hurt them. Who are we to judge what was going on in her head?
I've been there. I've been to the dark place where you feel like you can't take it anymore and you just wanna die. Now obviously I didn't act on that impulse. In fact I never even went far enough to seriously consider doing harm to myself. I could never hurt my husband like that. But this deployment has put me in a place where I thought the only relief would come from death. You can't understand that sort of loneliness and pain until you've been there yourself, so please don't judge.
For those out there reading this, if any of you are lost and hurting like this poor girl obviously was, please don't hide it thinking your alone. So many of us have been there before. We've felt that smothering unhappiness. We want to help you fight your way back to top. Reach out to us and let us take your hand. Don't let it get the best of you. We love you.

Keep L i/o ving

Friday, September 2, 2011

A Rattling Fan

Hello everyone! I'm baaaaaaaack! Today has been a lazy and yet productive day. My morning started off with me being covered in apple juice and soggy banana puffs. It's a good thing I adore my friend's baby so much. But then again can you blame me? He's adorable.


After pretty much doing nothing for a couple hours (Hey, I was allowed to. I stayed up till the wee hours of the morning trying to keep my friend, Danelle, awake long enough to finish the cinnamon rolls she was baking for her husband's morning seminary class.) I then decided to actually get ready for the day. I got interrupted by a quick call from my man in uniform (YAY!) but it was well worth looking stupid with half my hair clipped up on top of my head. I am glad that he loves me no matter what though cuz I really did look like a Who from Whoville having a bad hair day.  I drove to the post office, mailed the package I've been promising my hubby for a week now, and then came home. Now here I am sitting on my bed, chattering nonsense to you, and listening to the ceiling fan in my room make an annoying rattling sound. What an epic day!

Sooooo I've promised my husband, and some of our pals that are deployed with him, baked goodies this next week. I always send chocolate chip cookies and snicker-doodles. This time I wanna add some other kinds of treats in with the cookies. I'm thinking banana bread is gonna be one choice. Anyone else got some good ideas for me?

So on the "healthy" topic I had a happy realization today about Almond Milk. I started drinking it cuz I'm lactose-intolerant and I'm honestly just not that crazy about the taste of milk. Almond milk not only taste great but it doesn't give me stomach cramps. However, I found something even more exciting about it today. While drinking a delicious glass of it this afternoon I started reading the carton. Almond milk has 10 calories less than regular 1% milk. It also has 15% more Calcium and has 50% Antioxidant Vitamin E while regular milk has 0%. And it just keeps getting better! Do u have high cholesterol? Cuz Almond milk has none! Finally I've found something that is healthy AND tastes good! =D Wow...I totally sounded like a commercial right there.... 
Also, on a slightly different topic, ever feel like your make-up is just creating more of a problem for your skin even as it is covering up your nasty pimples? I know I have a hard time finding make-up that doesn't irritate my sensitive skin. Danelle (She's the friend that sells the vitamins too) is selling a make-up line called Motives. I've personally tried some of it and it's really nice! It's mineral make-up that has high pigmentation! It feels so light, has amazing coverage, and doesn't have such a "my face is melting off" effect. My friend has a website if you wanna check it out. She's a wonderful person to work with so don't be shy! She can hook you up! www.WakeupMyMakeup.com

And here is the link to her website for the vitamins she sells. That is where you can get the before mentioned Aloe! Hopefully soon I will be selling it too!

Keep L i/o ving!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

I Keeping Telling Myself I'm Not The Desperate Type

Well, here it is. I feel a lil apprehensive starting this blog cuz most of the time I don't feel like I have a lot to say that is worth sharing but several people have encouraged to do this and so here I am. In the end it does give me something to do with my rather plain life while the husband is over crawling around in the sands of Afghanistan. One of the most difficult parts of being a military spouse while your other half is deployed is the loneliness and that feeling of not having anyone to talk to. This blog is gonna be the place where I share my feelings. Hopefully, it will encourage someone else, who is dealing with something similar, that they are not the only ones out there having these feelings.
So, Brandon (my husband) and I were married on Pearl Harbor Day (curse on our marriage or a big "HA!" in the enemy's face?) in 2010. He then deployed that following Jan. This is where the name of my blog came from. While a spouse is deployed you stay at home and love the memory of them. It's that memory of their arms around u and their soft kisses that keep you going. Every military spouse clings to that memory, it's the the only way to get through it.
 It's been interesting trying to learn to be a wife with a husband so far away but I know I am far from the only one who has done it. Obviously and happily, the deployment is getting close to coming to a end. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time for him to come home. We may have been married a year at that point but we will still have so many new adjustments. Wish us luck!
Anyway, so two days ago my roommate's (also a Army wife with a deployed husband) husband came home for his R&R. I managed to stay away until late last night and so it wasn't until then that it really hit me how much I miss my husband. Watching her being all cute and cuddly with her man nearly broke my heart. I want mine here too so badly! But enough whining for today.  Keep L i/o ving everyone!

Oh! P.S. I'm gonna be trying to share lil ideas for healthy living every now and then. I have an amazing friend who is helping me to become healthier. She sells vitamins and believes strongly in the healthiness of being a vegetarian. Now, being from a cattle ranch, I am far from a vegetarian and I don't know if I'll ever actually get there but I've found that putting 3 or 4 vegetarian meals into my week makes me honestly feel so much better. Also, I've struggled with horrible gallbladder pains for almost 6 years now. I've tried everything to help short of removing my gallbladder. My dear friend gave me Market America's Aloe to drink. IT DID MIRACLES! I'm so sold on it. Not only did it dissolve the pains I was having, it helped get my acid re-flux under control and it taste great! And Aloe is meant to help with any kind of digestive discomfort. Totally worth looking into if you are having some kind of tummy trouble. Your more than welcome to ask me anything about it and I can help you get some headed your way if your interested as I might soon being selling it! We also have tons of other helpful all natural products. So hit me up!